Really. It’s time to toughen up our kids.
Recently, I had a conversation with a family whose daughter I tutored and provided guidance to for years. Her family remained loyal to me and my program for so long because I was among the only teachers who could get her to perform adequately in class. The girl, whom I will call May, is a sweet and highly intelligent girl. The only problem is that she is afraid of everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. I have told her that it’s time to toughen up our kids. She has begun to toughen up, but she has a long way to go.
By the time of we had that conversation, I had dealt with May’s problems for quite some time, and she made a lot of progress away from allowing her fear to control her, but after leaving China and returning to the US, there was a long period where I hadn’t been able to have a hand in her education, and she began to revert back to her natural, fearful state.
Recently, I have been doing test runs on my online teaching program in preparation of launching, and I have had the pleasure of working with her, again. I immediately begun to notice the old patterns showing themselves, again. We would preview the content to be learned, she would be excited to begin, but as soon as she was required to think or act by herself (as opposed to repeating information given to her by myself or other students), she would freeze up. Fortunately, I know her well enough to know the right buttons to push to get her to get over her fear and get on with it, and she eventually starts speaking and answering questions freely.
Changing parent perspectives is key.
The conversation referenced in the first paragraph was one in which I told her mother that she was letting her fear of mistakes control her. At first, her mother couldn’t comprehend why this was a bad thing (we have this same conversation from time to time). In her mind, pushing her daughter to be afraid of making mistakes means that she won’t make mistakes. It took some doing, but
All at once, after several years of having these conversations with her, it dawned on her mother that the way she was educating May was having a significant negative impact on her learning outcomes. The triple whammy of mommy constantly coddling her, instantly correcting her every mistake, and drilling into her that mistakes are the devil were fostering fragility and cowardice in May. She was suddenly filled with regret. But, she thanked me for being the only one of May’s many teachers to tell her straight up that what she was doing was hurting May. Since then, mom has begun to change the way that she encourages May to learn, and May is making progress in the areas of independent thought, and simply being tough enough to make mistakes and face mild criticism.
Ok, so what’s the point?
So, why do I think it’s time to toughen up our kids? By allowing this to continue, we are setting kids up for failure. I had sort of buried this experience away, as it’s pretty typical of Chinese parents to be hyper-vigilant and to spoil the every-loving-daylights out of their child (singular, as most Chinese families have only one child). That is until I saw two things happen this week.
Here was the first thing.
I watched a hilariously stupid video of the Democratic Socialists of America at a recent convention. They had audience members complaining about being triggered due to sensory overload because some audience members were whispering to each other. After the first one spoke up, another audience member melted down over “gendered language” being used by the speaker. What a joke! Talk about “First World problems”! These people (all of whom are at least university-aged) are so incompetent as adults that people whispering in an audience, and an Asian girl using the word “guys” is enough to trigger them.
Think about that. The only reason a person would choose to become socialist in The United States is that they are too weak and incompetent to succeed on their own. They are so used to mommy and daddy do everything for them, that, when thrown into the real world, they can’t survive on their own. Instead, they want to steal from the pockets of hard-working individuals via the mommy-state government.
And the second thing.
I saw was a post on LinkedIn in which the author was trying to capitalize on the weakness of students raised by helicopter parents who find moving up a grade too overwhelming and offering to send them “love bracelets” to help them cope. Again, what a joke!
What kind of parenting leads children to be so weak, so fragile, that moving up a grade or to a new school is enough to trigger them and cause feelings of overwhelming anxiety? I’m not heartless, despite what certain kinds of people might say in response to this. My goal is to teach children to be thoughtful learners, capable of learning without the explicit aid of others. But, I am saying that if your child is having panic attacks from moving up a grade or going to a new school, then you have missed something, somewhere along the line.
Children need and crave personal responsibility… give it to them.
I don’t even lay all blame at the feet of parents. My own experiences in the modern US education system (and these same issues exist in the Chinese and Japanese primary school systems, as well) shows me that teachers and administrators in an increasingly feminized education system are teaching children that being weak and overly sensitive is somehow empowering. The focus on equality and social justice above merit means that people are praised endlessly, even when they don’t deserve praise. It means that standards are ever-changing to account for finer and finer degrees of victimhood. And it means that no one is special, because everyone is “special”.
Want to ensure that your children grow up strong, independent, and not going to be perpetual victims that are triggered by going up a grade? Place the pursuit of merit above the participation-trophy-culture that kids suffer under, now. Let them experience danger, and figure out how to get through it on their own. Praise where appropriate and to the appropriate degree, and don’t shy away from criticism.
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